ARRGGHH!!!!!

Please, I want everyone to understand that my posts are not done to elicit sympathy. They are done to highlight the human condition, to give others a chance to realize they are just like a whole lot of other people and not some loser who will never have their ducks in a row. Mine are rarely in a row, but hopefully, they are enlightening and sometimes even entertaining in their effort to find their place in this world. I don't need sympathy, my life is pretty cotton-picken good. My posts are meant to show that , yes, you can go through some crap and come out the other side a better, wiser person. And laugh sometimes in your ineptitude.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Wow. NEVER would I have believed that my semi-retirement would have been the difficult adjustment that it has proven to be. Once again, I have to decide who and what I want to be when I grow up. Turns out that I didn't have that figured out as solidly as I thought. Financial changes have left me with not as much flying around cash as I had before. I joke that I didn't have any idea how rich I was until I wasn't rich anymore. This is mostly ok with me. If I had to go back to what I was doing before, full time, it would definitely not be worth it. I have been poor before, and I can do it again. I am not truly poor, I am just making sure my whims don't make me poorer later in my life.And really, all I have to do is stop being as wasteful as we have been for a long time. This is pretty easy to do, since while I was "rich", we accumulated enough toys to make our lives in paradise pretty glorious. As an example, yesterday I had my feet in flowing fresh water, throwing a ball over and over (and over and over) to my beautiful, funny , loyal, loving chocolate lab, and watching her pure joy as she bounded out into the still chilly water to retrieve it. My husband and I took turns doing this chore so we would be able to sleep last night without pain. I came back to a completely comfortable camper, took a hot shower, cooked supper, watched some tv and slept in a bed that feels as much my own bed as the one we have at home. I am financially solid enough that when friends need help, I am able, most of the time to do so. I am able to look around both my domiciles and count my blessings and surprise myself when I dig into areas I haven't in awhile, and finding forgotten "I'll do this when I have time" projects. Projects that, for me, are a form of meditation. They frustrate my husband in that they make a big mess, and often infringe on his comfort. But, he recognizes the benefit I get from them, and he believes as the cliche goes, "when Momma is happy, everyone is happy". I try not to abuse his patience. I have worked since I was 14,including a 6 year stint in the Navy, sometimes 2 and 3 jobs at a time, which adds up to 49 years not having my whole life to myself. Do we not look towards retirement with the idea that it will be so wonderful when we are only responsible to ourselves and family/friends? Our lifetime of responsibility to our responsibilities is a hard thing to. So, here I sit, having to convince my self that I can, in fact, plan my day the way I want. How is it we fight our entire lives to have control, then when we get it we don't know what to do with it? Of all the things that I have been poorly prepared to handle, this is the most baffling to me. There isn't much to distract me from all the pathways I have available to me. I am a rabid Libra, and must weigh my options out until I can come to a solid conclusion regarding how to proceed. Too many things to weigh. In reality, I have usually done what I wanted anyway. What I have to learn is how to enjoy it without guilt. Stupid, mostly nonexistent guilt. And not get militant or overly self indulgent when I learn how. I have very limited time left to do all the things I want before I lose the physical capability or leave this world and those I love. I want to get to it and enjoy life to it's fullest. So, my advise to you is, start now limiting how much you define yourself by your accomplishments. They are not as important in the greater picture as we think. Don't base your happiness on your ability to make others happy. And be realistic about how much impact you have in this world. I suspect it is a minute percentage of what we believe. When you find that place, it will be easier to be happy and less stressed in it. I hope.

Transitions

Culture shock? Is that what this would be called? Once, during a yearly "education day" that was dreaded by all who were on the "mandatory attendance" list, someone got my attention in a big way. She had an exercise to make us realize how our lives changed as we got older. We started out with a list of things that made up our lives, starting at our young adult stage. I won't be able to remember all of the categories, which is a shame, because it was one of the key points to the exercise. It was basically categories of things that made up our lives, and persona. The first category was "ROLES" This included things such as wife, mother, daughter, sister, in my case. Another was a list of things we were proficient in, such as my health care roles of nursing and being a charge nurse, keeping the household finances, caregiver to children. Another was probably a hobby category, important possessions, and a couple of others. We were given a number for each category that we were to list. We then went through the different stages of our lives and came to realize how our lives changed with each stage. We did exercizes that showed us how our senses would deteriorate as we got older. We wore gardening gloves on the wrong hands, then were given a fine motor skills task to accomplish to show us loss of dexterity and sensation, and were told to imagine that each movement caused us pain. We were given very strong glasses to wear, to show our vision loss. We put on earphones and listened to a list of words, then wrote down what we thought those words were, once while the recording was simulating hearing loss, then simulating having in hearing aids, then the list was done in a normal audio. I don't think anyone got more than 40% of the words right in the first two simulations. When we discussed our lists, we were carried through stages of life , and told to cross off items that might be lost with each stage. They took us all the way to being placed in a nursing home with no control of our bodily functions, no control of our daily schedule, and maybe even no control of our thought processes. It was an extremely sobering exercize. The purpose was to make us much more aware of what our elderly patients were experiencing. Hopefully, it would make us much more patient when dealing with things like how much time it took to get them up to the bathroom, how many times we had to tell them the same thing, either because they couldn't hear us, or their short term memory was shot. How to be patient when asked to do simple tasks like open their milk carton, how to give them some dignity and safe amounts of independence. My take away was not only to have my eyes opened to things I had not given the first thought, but were huge for my elderly patients, but to try and remember that younger people in my life would not have the benefit of this "aha" moment. I would need to be patient with them as well. There were many things this exercize couldn't show, out of safety concerns, or because there was no way to simulate mental/cognitive issues. But it made me think about those things as well. Now, I am older. I am not what you would call "infirm" by any stretch of the imagination, but aging is definitely leaving it's mark on me. I am much more careful when climbing on things, I make sure there is something to pull myself by when I get down on the floor or ground. I try my best to have people talk to me face to face so I can read lips along with the sound. I give myself more time and look, look again, and maybe, look again before I pull into traffic. Go ahead and honk....you will be there one day. Or maybe not, if you continue to be in such a hurry. I am dealing with changing roles. I have become semi-retired. I have given up the position of primary charge nurse, and a large percentage of the time I spend in the care of patients. It is an adjustment, for sure. The exercize helped us to see how much of what we do defines us in our minds. I am also dealing with the time to work on my eternal "to do" list. I have crossed a couple of minor things off my list with a great sense of satisfaction, but some of the list is overwhelming. I don't quite know where to start, and are finding myself re-prioritizing . I am experiencing some anxiety as a result. I am having to actively shut down my internal dialogue to be able to go to sleep. I am having to remind myself that all my babies are just fine without my constantly in their lives, I have done my job. I knew it was going to be different, I just didn't realize just how much different. It is all still very new, I suspect I will get the hang of it, tho. Just be patient with me please.

Life is unfair. We are often misunderstood. Factors too numerous to count may have an effect on a message in transit. Have you ever played "telephone"? Prime example of how a message can be crumpled, straightened, crumpled again, wet, dried, burned, shredded, then pieced together by the recipient and then interpreted to be something entirely other than the original.
Sometimes we are evaluated by how effective we are in our conveyance of messages. However, is it ALWAYS the burden of the person conveying the message, or should the recipient have some responsibility in the matter? Should the general attitude of both be taken into account? Might that be the biggest factor in how a message is conveyed, and/or received? It has been my experience that, often, people get lazy and want to use your brain instead of their own. When you are growing something as important as a person who will have other people's lives in their hands, you cannot allow that to happen. Sometime, they don't like that. If I don't know the answer to the question, should I not refer that person to someone who might be more proficient in that area? Or should I wing it and possibly have a situation where someone is learning the wrong information. If they use that answer forevermore, a great disservice has been done. Possibly a very dangerous one.
Any person who has to evaluate a large number of people has to rely on the perceptions of the evaluee's cohorts to determine that persons strengths and weaknesses. They cannot, nor should they, be at that person's side constantly to evaluate every area for themselves.But, to be fair, do they listen to only one side of the story, or do they ask all parties for their input to determine the truth of the matter? Especially if it is something they have heard more than once. And, if it is something that if it continues, will be to the detriment to all involved, shouldn't it be brought to the perceived offender's attention long before an evaluation? Should it not be important enough to try to remedy, if it is important enough to put in an evaluation? HOW is anyone to correct a fault they don't even know they have?  Should we not want everyone in the chain of command to succeed in their bailiwick, not just the newbies?
I have prided myself on being one of the strongest resource persons my new nurses have. Until just recently, I frequently received kudos in just that area. How is it that I have suddenly become so bad at it, and how is it that I'm only hearing about it when it is time to put something on paper, and give monetary rewards for effectiveness. Being blindsided is not good incentive for anything.
Life is unfair. I protest. And the source made it all the more painful.

Pay it forward

I have a story to tell (groan....don't I always?).
 Thursday, Rooster and I were headed to the campground. He was towing the "new to us" pop up that we bought so we could share our little piece of heaven. He left before I did, as the little redhead and I were going to come on the bike. It's a really nice ride, and she loves it SO much. Rooster had gotten most of the stuff I wanted to take over there, but I had a couple of things left to haul. I put my new I pad , chargers and a couple of books on tape into a bag and strapped it to the bike. I tugged on it and it seemed pretty secure, so , off we go. Redhead snuggled down into her pouch for the ride, and I was enjoying the relaxation after a long stretch at work. I wanted to get there pretty quickly, because I hadn't been to sleep yet and I didn't want to be riding sleep impaired.
  I got to the campground, dismounted, and reached behind me to grab the bag. No bag. Oh crap!!!!
Rooster saw the look on my face, "what's wrong?" and I told him. Figuring if I had any hope at all of finding anything, I needed to leave right now, I remounted and took off to retrace my steps.
 Riding all the way back the 35 miles I had just come, looking in the road and ditches. All the way back to my house, then turned around and came back, reretracing. No bag, no debris.
 On that ride, it occurred to me that there were three outcomes possible. One, that someone found the bag and thought "woohoo!!". Two, that someone found the bag but didn't have a clue what to do from there. Three that someone honest AND smart found it, and would contact the library, who would then contact me.
I went back to the camper, got my bathing suit on and got myself in the river....my healing place, and trusted in God to handle it from there. Put myself to bed to read after about an hour's river time, and looked at my phone to find a missed call from an unfamiliar caller. I dialed my voice mail, hoping they had left a message......"mrs Cathie Silcox, this is the downtown library, mr wonderful found your I pad and two audiobooks you have checked out and asked us to call you to give you his number. You can contact him at xxx-xxxx and he will tell you how to get there to get your things." I called him, told him I would call him again in the morning to get directions, if that was,okay. He said sure, and I went to sleep with a smile on my face. No discussion whatsoever about the condition of said items.
I was just content with my renewed faith in humanity, and a little proud of feeling like I might have just manifested my situation.....
I called, got directions, and went to get my stuff. Mr wonderful came out in his driveway to hand me my stuff. Bag all torn up, he had put my stuff in a plastic bag. He said," your I pad is a little worse for the wear",and I thought "oh no, it's busted. Oh well, I have insurance, just a major pain in the butt to go through all that, but all is not lost." I took it out, opened it up, screen is pristine!! He turned it to show me where the corner of the case was scuffed. Wow. Case for audiobook is busted, but how can I complain about having to pay to replace that?
  I try to hand him a $20, saying "I can't afford to give you what this is worth to me, but please take this and take your wife out to dinner." "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" He says. Of course....he is after all, mr wonderful. We get into a discussion about bikes, he rides as well. Parkinson's has altered his abilities enough that he has had to go from Harley's to the same size scooter,I have, but he is still able to ride. Yay! And still able to keep up,with the big boys.
  I tell him I will pray that his Parkinson's doesn't take away his abilities until he's ready (He never will be), and that I promise to pay it forward. We hug, and I go on my merry way..
The rest of the day, I looked for ways to make people's life just a tiny bit better. Smiling, all the while, thinking "this is for you, John".

Book learnin.

As a teenager, I spent a good deal of time with a friend of a friend, as it was a package deal. He was a sweet soul, but I suspect his IQ would have put him in the "dull normal" range, if that.
 We also had a character in the neighborhood that would walk a certain road, all day long. He wore black all year long, even in the summer heat, and looked like Bat Masterson (Google it). I never knew if he had a destination, or purpose, I only know when I saw him, he was walking pretty much the same stretch of road.
 My friend/friend we'll call him Albert, said he had had several conversations with, we'll call him Carl, and that he was a SMART man, professing to have several degrees in this, that , and the other. It would not have taken much to convince Albert of this. He told us that Carl would talk about " crazy stuff" and make "no sense at all". He apparently enjoyed these conversations with Carl, because he would try and repeat the conversations he'd had, and yes, they "made no sense at all". We never knew if they did or not, or if it was a case of something being lost in the translation. After he would regale us with one of his conversations with Carl, he would repeat that Carl had "all these degrees" then thoughtfully pause and say, "you know, that book learnin'll make you crazy!"
  I have to say, I think he might be right. I have been the target of some management techniques that I abhor. Some placed me in the position of losing a battle because of my integrity, some had me defending myself against the accusations of a person who's greatest joy came from reporting a partially understood event as the entire truth. I have been given choices that if I took one road, I would be screwing over someone who I cared about, and who I trusted. If I took the high road, I would be suffering, myself. And the powers that be seemed to think I was unaware that this was the plan, all along. Other choices had me moving on  to prevent further injustices.
 One of the hardest things a new nurse has to learn, is when following the rules is NOT in your patient's best interest. The same is true of a valued, competent employee. I have found that when the chips are down, some people's lack of humanity comes to the surface, but in the majority of cases, best behavior is what you see all around you. Support, loving concern and constant presence are what you know is there for the taking.
 "Political Correctness" has gotten so far out of hand , it is laughable. Just because you change the words in saying something, doesn't change the meaning. Often, changing the wording muddles the understanding, or impact.The psychological evaluation of someone is done without the entirety of their personal data. A conclusion is reached based on this and the bias of how the evaluator thinks that person  might react in any given situation. It's only human for that to happen. It only takes one person to poison the safe, secure feeling you have had in your time of need. I'm not talking about the stupid remark that may be made because a well meaning person just didn't know what to say.
Care must be given to not react to something when that person cannot possibly know how you feel. The depth of your pain, the depth of your despair, the depth of your exhaustion can't be felt, or even imagined by the person who may be placing you between a rock and a hard place. Recognize that past behavior, and past reactions will be expected, no matter how much you feel that "this is different".
 Both sides need to know this , and do what they can to soften the situation. Take the high road. Better to be wrong that way than the other. Show your humanity, and walk away from those who think they have "degrees" that entitle them to label you. Don't make decisions based on what you think a person, or organization will do in any given situation. People are human, and they will most often, take the high road themselves. You teach people how to treat you. Sometimes the choice you make is between what you perceive as the lesser of two evils, but life is like that.
 Never, ever lose sight tho, of those who would fight bears for you. Just don't expect them to fight a whole den, that is too much to ask. Actively forget the slights you feel have been done to you, and move on. Just don't forget the potential for future similar behaviors, and don't leave yourself open to be caught unaware again. "Take care of business", and this will be less likely to happen. But.....fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. If you value me at all, don't fool me, period.
And don't think that what you learned in a book about human nature is more valuable than what you learn about human nature from humans.

Breathe in, breathe out

I am 61 years old. I have had an incredibly diverse set of life experiences, all of which are the pieces of the puzzle that is me. Many traumas, many blessings.
 I'm a pretty tough old bird, I seem to react to trauma situations with the "fight" mode rather than the "flight", but they certainly take their toll. As each trauma occurred, in my head I would think "This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me". Then the next trauma came along, and I would think "No, THIS is the worst thing that has ever happened to me." Now, the worst thing has happened, but it has only happened to ME in a sort of peripheral way.
 My youngest child and I were just hanging out at my house, doing nothing, really, except just being together. I was set to go to work in a couple of hours, and was more or less just chilling out. The front door was open , weather beautiful, springlike. Suddenly, we hear "WHUMP!!!!"I look at the kid, and say, "What was that? That didn't sound good AT ALL!" Kid gets up, goes out on the porch, looks up and down the road, sees nothing, and reports same. About 10 minutes later, he says he needs to get back to his house, about 3 blocks away and do some chores. In less than 5 minutes, I get a  call, "School bus hit a guy on a crotch rocket. It's really bad." I text my DIL (That is the last time you will see it put that way, from here on out she will be referred to as "My Baby". She is my child as much as any I bore.) "We just heard a loud "whump" outside. Kid was here. He went home, said a bus hit a guy on a crotch rocket." This was so she would pass it on to hubby . We all ride, and need moment by moment reminders to never let down our guard. But this time, I sure wish I hadn't done it. I have since had to watch my children go through the most excruciating pain there is , unable to even lessen it in any way. That has been my life's work, and with this, I have no power whatsoever.
 In the next few days, we will be burying my oldest son's and my baby's youngest son. I don't know how they are enduring this, but they are doing what I know Cody would want them to do. It's going to be a very long road for all of us, but we have been comforted by an incredible outpouring of love, support and prayers. We are also comforted by the fact that Cody is an organ/tissue donor. His generosity will save 6-8 lives and improve countless more.
 I have heard many discussions about what a comfort this is, but unless you are in this position yourself, and I pray you never are, there are no words to define the level of comfort it truly is. To know that he is easing an exquisite pain borne by family members counting seconds to see if an organ will be found before their loved one dies, confirms that no matter what else this child did in his life, he ended it as a hero.
 We will go on, surviving from one breath to the next.

Artwork

"The rest of the story".....many of you will remember this, most as an enjoyable way to spend a few minutes and learn to not be so quick to judge what is seen on the surface.
 I pestered my parents for a horse. We had a big back yard, not really big enough for a horse to run, but big enough to move around and graze. My parents, of course, were concerned about my being responsible in caring for that horse. They require a lot of care, and are an expense, as most animals are, without any return other than the pleasure they provide in companionship. I finally got my horse, with the assistance of  Gil, a friend who had lived with us for awhile ( See the blog Hort Dorgs) . I was told he would be teaching me to ride and care for the horse. I was to do the training he taught me, but not to ride unless he was there, until I was good enough to be on my own. Gil came back twice to help me, then was never available from then on. I was only taught how to bridle and saddle the horse, and to lead it around and sort of teach it to "heel" as you would a dog. I don't remember how long we had the horse, but it wasn't very long until I lost interest in a very large yard pet. My Mom brought the horse up years later, saying"and you didn't even ride him!!!" She got very quiet when I related to her the reason. I did not ride him because I was obeying you.
 We had many conversations like this in the nine years she was with us. I heard many stories that were similar from her. Stories that only came out because we had enough time together for the subjects to come up. A lot of hurts, angers and misunderstandings were put to rest because we had a chance to examine them closely and see the logic in each others' reactions to situations. We were also able to do it because the hurts, angers and misunderstandings had not yet reached a point of no return. The damage had not yet become irreparable. We both changed our ways of thinking in many areas because of this. Our changes were not apparent to anyone except those who were around us and knew our previous positions.
  I didn't totally grow up until I was forty. I can be having a conversation with someone who has become a close friend, who thinks I am mostly wonderful, and they will say something about someone like "She's got three kids, all from different Daddies!" or "She's been married twice already, and she's only 26!" I will just smile. Most of these people know enough of my history to become very sheepish when they suddenly realize just who it is they said that to.
 I am trying to learn not to defend myself anymore about my past. It doesn't matter. If you are not willing to learn who I am now and understand the big picture that made me that way, I don't need to expend the energy. I KNOW who I am now, and am still having trouble forgiving myself for some of my behaviors, even though logically, I know I can be forgiven my immaturity and my quick reacting passions. I try to do that with others, especially young people, who, when I look at them, I see myself.
 My husband knows me, my children know me, my friends know me. They love me in spite of my warts. And they don't throw my past up in my face. I could carry around a list of what I perceive as transgressions committed by them . I choose to appreciate them for the joys they bring me. I am a Libra, as long as our relationship tips the scale in the positive, we are golden.
 I don't always make a good first impression, but I promise, as long as you are willing to look at the big picture that frames me, I will grow on you.

Lost and Found

I find myself with a new mission online these days. I had become bored with the computer except to view my e-mails, my facebook, and to do odd chores. Had not gotten online for a very long time to surf. Now, I find myself looking for places to run away from home. It is a fair weather indulgence. I don't want to do this in the cold, wind or rain. I don't want to run away for long. The destination is not what is important. It is truly the journey, here. And I am a bad influence in that I want certain people to run away with me. You need a uniform of sorts, but it doesn't need to match mine. Your mode of transportation can be built to cruise, it can be noisy. Those built for speed are frowned upon, but allowed, as long as you can reign it in.
 Don't expect to ride the interstates, it's not about getting there quickly, it's about seeing what is along the way. This area provides an abundance of that, but I am not limiting myself to what is familiar. I am, in fact, dreaming of just running someday until I am ready to turn around and come home.
 My days of being capable of running away are limited, I am getting older every day. I will do what I can to keep my skills honed, but I know one day, I will have to hang up my gear, for my safety and the safety of others.
 It is a different world, and a fairly new one for me.I cannot imagine ever tiring of it. I can see myself grieving over it's end the way I imagine my Daddy and my brother grieved over their flying days coming to an end. Or an old sailor losing control of the tiller or the wheel.
 It is a family affair as well, something that makes it's value incalculable. In the end , it is all about memories. I want enough glorious ones that the disturbing ones are crowded completely out. I can see that happening......
So, Google, take me away to a place Calgon knows nothing about!

Too much for too long

I work to live, not live to work. Having said that, I don't just show up and do my time. My job is too important to treat it that way. What I do affects people too profoundly to be nonchalant in its execution. Have I saved lives? Undoubtedly. Have I inadvertently taken it? Possibly, but thankfully, I am unaware. A pharmacist once told me statistics about how many people one will kill in a year through human error. Horrifying. When you consider how many people's hands you are in when you are admitted to the hospital, and the fact that each is imperfect just as you are, the whole process is a leap of faith of phenomenal proportions.
To say that my job is stressful is a slight understatement. A unit nurse cares for one or two critically ill people, a floor nurse is responsible for the well being of 5-6 patients, possibly more. The stresses of your personal life has to be left at the door, because you must become focused on your charges issues without distractions.  You must know all of the medical history of each, including each med they take, what each is for, if any interact with the others negatively, if they need to be taken on an empty stomach, or if food needs to be there to protect the stomach lining. You must know their diet, if they are diabetic, if they need to be on a fluid restriction. You must know of any allergies or intolerances to any medications. You must know about preparations for any procedures, minor or major, and prevent an extension of their hospital stay as a result of human error, or infection that is hospital acquired. This all is just the bare minimum. On top of all this, family dynamics, the patient's mental status, education level, motivation to learn and participate in their own recovery, and their own stress level comes into play.
Enough? OK, now you are a nurse who is in charge of several nurses who are in charge of 5-6 patients each, each with a different educational experience, different experience levels, different temperments, different critical thinking skills. The charge nurse needs to know which nurses need supervision, which nurses have good time management skills, which nurses are stronger or weaker with certain diagnoses, the integrity of each, and the acuity level of the assignment that they were given.
A charge nurse is also responsible for administrative duties that seem to change and multiply every day. Each department creating checklists believes that their department is the most important there is, and that each patient will surely die if their checklist is not completed every shift, and in a timely manner.Many of these checklists had a valid purpose at the time of their creation, but since have just become busy work. Micromanagement has to be the plan of the day when human's lives are at stake, so none of the checklists die a natural death.When they become outdated, they are simply replaced with a new and improved checklist, twice as long and infinitely more tedious than the previous one.
The implementation of said checklist requires all involved in its creation and execution to attend a meeting. Said meeting is scheduled at the most inconvenient time of day possible for all attendees, is mandatory , and is always right in the middle of most attendees time off. The content of the meeting is chronicalled in a handout given to each attendee, and then read, word for word to the attendees,with pictures also illustrated on an overhead projector, at which time all are asked for their input. The time spent drawing everyone back to the subject at hand varies, depending upon the skill of the chairperson.
If a hospital is up for an accreditation survey, every policy, procedure and checklist is up for review to make sure it meets the criteria of said accreditation organization. This organization also had its very important purpose at its inception. Now, it seems to spend its time creating more and more checklists and policies to justify its existence. This survey occurs every few years, and is attended with the trepidation worthy of a zombie apocalypse. For months ahead of time, things are tweaked, cleaned, quizzed and shuffled. It matters not that things have mostly been chugging along like a finely tuned watch. It needs to be FIXED. The policies and procedures that were just fine at the last accreditation survey are suddenly not meeting the criteria of said surveyors, and no one was informed of this until 2 weeks before the upcoming one.More meetings are required. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my.
This summer, 31 years of my life will have been devoted to a profession that I consider to be what God intended for me. While I am actively practicing it, I give it my full devotion, my undivided attention, and do what I can to guide my coworkers to do the same. I tweak and revise and clean for the expected apocalypse, because it is a necessary (?) evil. Stress needs a break. The changes that have occurred recently in the health care field have created a stress level that sings like the tone created by running  a wet finger on the rim of a crystal goblet. All health care workers are familiar with the causative effect of pressure ulcers on skin. Pressure, with no relief creates a cavity which creates further complications to the entire organism. Relief, if it is of too short a duration, is ineffective.
This pressure, if applied for an extensive period of time, destroys the organism piece by piece. Burn out has been, is, and always will be a complication of the stress on the health care professional. It has often been said that nursing eats its young, pushing them until they give up before they have had a chance to mature in the profession.
I have always been a fighter of things that require expenditure of time towards a goal that makes no sense. All I ask is that I am given enough information to help me understand the purpose of any change. "Because I said so" doesn't cut it. I am pretty smart, I am college educated, and I have a wealth of experiences to pull from. I am well versed in being part of the solution, rather than just dumping a problem at your feet and walking away. Let me contribute in the way I do it best. Lay it out for me, let me contemplate it for awhile, weigh it out, and I will get back to you. You can then incorporate my ideas, or reject them. Don't give me a lot of busy work. Let me function at the level of my expertise . And DON'T decide I am not as effective as those sitting around a table while you read a handout to them, because I choose to take my downtime as I deserve. Everyone handles stress in their own way. Taking a complete break from it when I can is how I handle mine.
Nursing eats its young? It eats its old, as well.

Happy Birthday to you

Happy old birthday, Mom. I miss you. But, I know you will enjoy your new birthday much, much more. Your stuff is all over my living room, being sorted and distributed and creating an obstacle course for everyone but the cats. It is very strange to drive by the Veranda and know you are not there. But I'm glad you aren't. You were not having any fun anymore, you were not going to get any better. When you knew that for sure, you decided you weren't going to play, and you took your ball and bat and went Home. You have your butterfly wings, and I know their colors are glorious. There has been a frog at our campsite every time we've been here for the last four visits, it comes up to us and seems to listen to our conversation for half an hour or so, then hops off. Very cute , Mom, but I never knew frogs were so nosy.

Where I'm 'sposed to be

I have a very strong faith. I don't spout it all that often, I don't like people who do, unless it's in a joyous manner. I HATE people who do in the negatory, I feel they are using God to espouse their own judgements. The only time I will do it in the negative is if someone is being an A** and commenting on some of their own hurtful behavior towards someone else, then I will smile, nod my head, and say, "SURE!,that's what Jesus would have done!!" and enjoy the confused looks on their faces.
Having said all of this I want to make a short and joyful comment on how I know God has always put me exactly where I need to be for His use, and has rewarded me at times in the same manner.
At our home RV park. (I would live here if I could). Sitting in the river in a float with my fat butt as anchor to keep me from floating away. Sun on my body ( I am DIAGNOSED as vit D deficient.....did I need an excuse?) with sunscreen to keep me from crispy crittering. Son and D-I-L here with my granddogs, big black lab and cream colored whatever playing in the water. They had always wanted a chocolate lab, but now 2 dogs are enough. Man sitting on the beach hollars out, "anyone want a chocolate lab puppy? D-I-L looks at her hubby , pleading in her eyes, he looks back with "NOT ONLY NO, BUT HE** NO!!!" in his. I look at my hubby, he's got her look in his eyes, and quietly says, " I'd have a water baby". SO...... I say, "How much?"
Free. "Boy or girl?" Girl. My son's and D-I-L eyes flash....."bring her to us, then."
A very long hour and a half later they bring us our new baby.
Pictures don't do her justice. Her eyes are hazel, more on the green side, so they look more human than doggy. She's a snuggle bug, immediately. We start the name game....Cocoa, Dove, Girardelli's, Godiva. Nah, too common and predictable. She plays with her niece's but the water makes her shiver. We wrap her in a dry towel, and she goes to such a hard sleep she is completely limp.
We prepare for a sleepless night of puppy whining and yips. I go pick up my other youngun and another granddog. Roxie thanks me for getting her a puppy ( that's the granddog, not the kid). She proceeds to mother our new charge.
Bedtime comes, we bring the baby to bed, and are already tired of calling her "whatever your name's gonna be". No whining, no whimpering,no yips. Loves to chew mommy's hair, and daddy's beard. Sleeps on my head. Roxie comes in an hour later to play with her puppy for a half an hour or so, so unbelievably sweet to watch, even tho I was pretty well asleep when this began. Big clumsy paws in everybody's faces. Play time gives way to another puppy nap, and as I am just dropping off to sleep, for no reason I can fathom, RILEY! shouts my brain, and I immediately know this is it. Gotta run it past the Rooster, tho, she's his dog too. But, he's asleep. I can't wait for him to get up and pee, so I sleep fitfully between listening for him to get up and puppy play times. He finally gets up, and I run it past him. He thinks I'm crazy for telling him this in the middle of the night, and says nothing. He doesn't like it , I think, and am very disappointed, because this name feels like a gift from somewhere else.
Sleep deprived, we start out new day, me parenting while Rooster goes to work. I get my usual mid morning phone call, and first words from him are , "How's Riley doing?" WOOHOO!!! He likes it, he likes it!! He had asked me if Riley was a boy or girl's name, and I had said "Does it matter?" After all we don't want to damage her developing psyche by saddling her with male/female stereotypical labels, do we?
So, welcome to the family, Riley, and Thank You God for another blessing (??, ask me again after the puppy months are gone) bestowed!! Oh yeah, did the name come from You?

My duty!!

Ok, so the Rooster and I went on a cruise in May. During that cruise, Osama Bin Laden was eliminated. Just got back from a cruise with my youngest, and during our vacation, Ghadaffi was dragged from a sewer pipe and killed by his own people. Want to get rid of a tyrant? How about the perfect weapon against a terrorist? No coup needed to make a dictator/despot disappear!!! Just send me on a cruise!! I am more than willing to volunteer for this service, for as long as it is needed. Apparently it takes about 5 months to get things into place for this to happen, and that gives me plenty of time to plan time off from work, but if we find that it can be planned with an accelerated timeframe, I can manage. I will even be willing to go on the very same cruise repeatedly, if that is necessary for the recipe, but we might try new cruise destinations to see if we can combine ridding the world of evil, AND installing a stable government in a week's time! Who knows? Could work.....we won't know until we try. And I believe I have the stamina to keep at it until we perfect the mission and achieve world peace! Who's next? Iran's Amwhateverhisnameis, some of them in South Africa? Pick one, I can be ready to go with about a week's notice. AND if my bosses find out how important my mission is, they are very supportive of service to our country, and I would probably need less and less notice!
I don't need any medals, or promotions in rank, am happy to serve, just call, I will answer!

WOW, I'm old!!!

Ok, so the kid and I are going on a cruise in Oct. Invited him so I'd have an excuse to go again. My birthday present to me, and to him, since I contributed to the cruise fund he's accumulating for his birthday. He asked friends to do the same, don't know how many did.
Anyway, we have chosen excursions in Freeport and Nassau. The one in Freeport is a 12 mile bike tour of the island. I have always loved bike riding, hate running. But it's been many years since I was on a bike, and I've been wanting to get a bike for the campground....follow the thread, here. Yesterday, I bought a mountain bike with 21 gears. Never liked gears, cuz they were so hard for me to coordinate in the shift. Now, technology has gotten so that it is very much like having an automatic. Idiot proof adjustments on the seat, got my fatbutt a GEL seat (OHMYGOODNESS), a sexy cobalt blue bike helmet, and lockitup stuff. Got out this morning, stretched a moment, and started out after replacing chain that wasn't on the sprocket thingy. Before I even got around the corner, (maybe 100 yds) My shins were screaming, my butt was saying NOT ENOUGH GEL!!!, and my back was saying HANDLE BARS ARE TOO LOW!!!! But, I pressed on, no pain, no gain, right? Sides, can't let testosterone win, right? Oh, yes, I'm being so realistic since he's been riding a bike everywhere for at least the last two years. And he just turned 27 to my almost 59. It WILL be 59 when we do the island ride. Okay, so I AM the MEGACOOL Mom, so I gotta get this right!! I SO hope Freeport is as flat as I remember.

AHHHHH.....

60 degrees. What a relief. On our bodies and our paychecks.
I LOVE summer. I think I have what is known as "Seasonal Affective Disorder". If we get too many days in a row of rainy, gloomy weather, I go into a terrible funk. A deficiency of vitamin D, my body doesn't absorb it correctly. Recently diagnosed as hypothyroid, and severely vitamin D deficient, I am now taking supplements that have given me my life back. More energy, less depression, less aches and pains, less chronic constipation (TMI?),improved memory (Had to come back and add that.....not quite there,yet), such a simple fix for deteriorating quality of life. It does explain, tho, one reason why I love summer so. That vitamin D on my face and body literally made me better. Our bodies' functionality is such a wondermous thing. I have not stopped learning, hope I never do. If I do, it is definitely time to quit doing what I do for a living.There is nothing like personal experince to bring home things you think you know. I have learned NEVER to say to my patients that I KNOW how they feel, and to squelch that thought in my peabrain that they SHOULDN'T feel a certain way about anything. Everyone's reality is just that, THEIR reality. No less real because it doesn't mirror mine.
Sometimes I have to care for patients whose reality has slipped even their usual criteria. That doesn't alter the fact that, for them, even tho temporary (hopefully), it is their reality. They teach us in school to reorient patients to reality. What if their reality sucks? What if it is gonna suck until we rebalance their chemistry? Why keep showing them that their reality sucks? If they are seeing little kids in the corner playing and giggling and have a smile on their faces watching this, why should I cruelly show them that their hospital room is mostly barren of giggles? Now, if they are seeing spiders on the ceiling, or hearing plots to murder them, yes I will, as quickly as possible try to pull them from their living hell. Before you tell someone that the person they are talking to doesn't exist, find out first if that person is friend or foe. If that person is their safe place to be, don't steal that away. When the chemicals balance, their reality will as well. "Orient them to reality" BOHOCKEY!!
My reality now is improved quality of life, hummingbird feeder outside the front porch, fallen tree from Lee just missing my rv roof by mere inches, a husband I wouldn't trade for anything in the whole wide world, kids I am so proud of I could bust, a living Momma (kinda like her that way, she's 86), a brother who I love dearly in spite of our differences, a steady and secure job I love, vehicles that run just fine, work family that is every bit as important to me as my blood family,and too many other blessings to count. "They" say you should list your blessings every day in a devotional of gratitude. I see the value in that.

Who'da thunk it?

Never in a million years would I have believed our very first cruise to be as momentous and memorable an occasion as it turned out to be. I expected to have a great time, anyone and everyone we talked to about 'cruisin told us it is a complete blast.
We got to Cocoa Beach the night before so there would be no jitters about making the ship in time. The Comfort Suites we stayed in was a bit pricier than we were used to, but when we got there, we understood why. It was a block from the beach, looked fairly newly renovated. Smelled a bit musty, but not badly enough to trigger sinus issues or keep us awake. Can't imagine how hard it is to keep places like that from smelling musty. Had a bed, no signs of unwanted critters, away from the street noise, and that suited us just fine.
It also had free parking for the duration of the cruise, and a shuttle to the ship before and back to the motel after. Who knows how much that may have saved us? Will have to check into it.
In the shuttle on the way to the ship, we got a close up look at the Disney cruise ship. It's a monster. Was glad we weren't on it, tho. We have gotten old and crotchety enough that we time our vacays around avoiding things like spring breaks and school's out times. We found out we had chosen well, when all was said and done.
Carnival cruises has the boarding procedures down to a science, the only agony we felt was our excitement and time seeming to crawl at that point. We boarded about 3 hours before departure time and about an hour before room ready time. We went to the Lido deck first to find a good spot to watch our departure, and found a couple of deck chairs at the fantail (aft to the purists) and promptly laid claim. Of course, it was only moments before the "drink of the day" was waved under our noses (at $7.50 a pop)in a souvenir glass that would provide a 75 cent discount if we used it for refills. Hey, 75 cents is 75 cents, especially when it is times.....uh....nevermind. With that, it felt a lot like our cruise was officially underway. We were in the same general pier area as the Disney ship and the Freedom of the Seas. We departed first, saw 4 dolphins and a huge turtle on the way out, a windsurfer and several rich people in their seatoys wishing us Bon Voyage. Waving wildly and grinning hugely, we were off.
We had to leave the deck chairs we had dibbs'd to participate in the safety demonstration. When that bit of wisdom was imparted, we scurried back to our chairs to lay in the sun, sip our drinks and wonder at the very idea that we would ever be doing something like this! It wasn't very long before the land disappeared and we were surrounded by water. I had done 6 years in the Navy, but thankfully, got out a mere 6 months before they started putting women back on the ships. No, I don't feel guilty for not being a seagoing sailor. The majority of guys you ask would have told you they enjoyed aspects of their deployments, but wouldn't ask for it, if offered. I am a water baby, love the water, and don't have to be in it to feel nurtured by it. I can't imagine living anywhere away from a beach, even tho we rarely go to the beach. The tranquility I feel when watching and hearing the water moving is sanity saving for me.
The Rooster has always enjoyed fishing and such, but with a healthy, bordering on unhealthy respect for the water. He has since mellowed and grown to be as much a water baby as I. We were concerned about his propensity for seasickness, but I felt the ships movement more often than he did, and it was mostly when we were on the upper decks. Otherwise, it was just a self contained floating casino, mini shopping mall, food court, row of bars, and hotel. Service was beyond excellent. Food was great, drinks were great, company was all there to have a great time, and the stateroom was comfortable. Bigger than I expected, but I wonder if that is because I have had the experince of living for 9 months in a 24 foot RV with the Rooster, a dog and 3 cats!?
There, the toilet was so close to the back bed that you could sit on the pot, lean over and put your head on the bed and go back to sleep ( not saying this is a BAD thing, mind you!). At least there was a separate bathroom in the stateroom.
Freeport, our first port of call, was depressing for us. We had chosen to take a bus tour through residential areas and then to a shopping area. The tour guide commented the entire way that the empty houses (Maybe 50% or more) were empty due to hurricane damage and the fact that the residents likely had no insurance to fix them. Been there, done that, didn't need the reminder. More than half of the fast food places and many other types of businesses were also closed due to "the economy". I guess it was good for us to see this, but it's not exactly what we had spend our vacay money to see. Nassau was awesome, I now want to go and stay at their Sandals Resort. We took a jeep tour there, the Rooster successfully drove on the "wrong" side of the road without killing or injuring anybody! We shopped downtown for awhile before walking back to the ship, went to "Senor Frog's" for drink and eats. Much fun.
Spent the remainder of the time onboard, enjoying the deck and the open water, relaxing more efficiently than ever before.
We weren't ready to disembark when it came time, but we had purposely taken the shorter trip in case it wasn't as wonderful as we'd been told. Next time, it will be at least a week, and there WILL be a next time.
Our vacation wasn't over, yet, but the rest is for another post.
If you haven't cruised, and have wondered about it, you get our vote as a YEA, do it!!
The only caveat I would include is to watch your money really closely. You don't pay as you go on these things, you give them a credit card to charge to, then your boarding/room card becomes your charge card. Even easier than usual to go overboard. BUT, don't put it on a debit card. Just tally every night, and you should be okay.
While we were cruising to Freeport, the news declared Osama Bin Ladin dead. WOW. We were interviewed by Freeport news, asking how we felt about it. I would really have liked to see how badly they chopped up what we said to fit their positions. And what WAS their position? No local news for us to watch. While I never want to celebrate anyone's death, if I had a gun in my hand and was confronted with him and the surety it really was him, I could have pulled the trigger. I tell myself I don't want to judge, that is God's job, but in some cases, that is raving BS.
For me.....a gooey large ice cream sundae with a cherry on the top. Glad I was somewhere that would distract me with fun stuff so that I wouldn't get sucked in to the endless media coverage.
God knows what he's doing!!

A N T I C I P A T I O N .........

This coming Fri, the Rooster and I are going to load up my beast, and start the first leg of our journey towards our first ever cruise. Everyone we talk to who has had this adventure say we are going to love it! I sure hope so. We have been semi reluctant because the Rooster gets seasick easily, but we have been told repeatedly that we will barely feel the ship move.
We are going to the Bahamas....Freeport and Nassau. We have picked our excursions already ( they are going to cost us as much as the fare for the cruise), and we have lots of advice on what to avoid and what is "don't miss this!". Thanks to everyone for their input.
One of the excursions is a 2 hour jeep tour. I dreamed the other night that Kenny was reluctant to drive because they drive on the "wrong side" of the road there. I'm not sure it even occured to him that the steering wheel is also on the "wrong side" of the vehicle. In my dream, I was telling him that I wanted him to have the experience, because I already knew what it was like to drive a vehicle like that. My ex ( thank You, God, for the ex part) and I bought a Fairlady Z in Spain. Sexy car with a nose as long as Pinocchio's when he was lying. Driving that car took some practice, you found out real quick how much weaker you are on your left side when you had to learn how to shift a five speed with your left hand. AND you shifted everything towards you, instead of away. It got VERY interesting when we had to get that thing to turn a corner in Toledo.....uphill, streets built for burro carts, behind you rock walls, and on the other side of those walls, a horrendous drop off the mountain. The nose of the car was too long to just turn the corner, so, in a fifteen point turn it was, brake, clutch, gas, brake, clutch, gas......with finesse we didn't know we had!!
They drive on the right side in Spain, so we didn't have that aspect of the adventure, but it was great fun to watch people when they realized the person driving was on the right side of the car. Even more fun was putting the dog on the left side and rolling the window down so she could stick her head out the window!!
We were able to bring that car back to the states because it had been registered in the US before the emission control rules were put into effect. Then, we had the fun of going through toll booths, wehad to learn how to toss the money in the basket over the roof of the car. We had to shout even louder to order from the drive through, and then get out of the car to pay and pick up the food.
Yes, we got stopped by the cops one time. Unspoken, he and I agreed to push the envelope and see how long it was before the cop realized that I wasn't driving. I handed him my license and registration ( got that out of the glove box in front of me, and he didn't even notice it then !) He went back to his vehicle to check all that out, and when he walked back to hand it all back to me is when it dawned on him that I didn't have a steering wheel in front of me. He got THAT look on his face, bent down to look at the ex, who DID have a steering wheel in front of him, scowled for a second, the grinned and said "good one." We busted out laughing then, which was a good thing, cuz I think we would have exploded, otherwise. He handed my license and registratioin back to me and said, "All right, you get this one, get out of here. " I think we made his day. Glad he had a sense of humor, or we could have been in real trouble.
I got to drive that car for 4 years before it became decrepit enough that we were afraid it was a hazard to our well being. So, I want the Rooster to have the fun I had. I will take over if it freaks him out, but I don't really think it will. He's pretty good about being up for getting his horizons broadened, and having a ball at it.
We are also going to do a shallow water snorkle jaunt. Shallow because the rooster thinks he can't swim. He had one of those &$(#$@ uncles who threw him in the water to teach him how to swim. I told him a long time ago that I hoped I never met the man, because there would be an explosion if I did. So, Rooster is very unsure of himself in the water. Because I am a water baby, he has grown to love being in the water as long as he can put his feet down and stand up. BUT, he has also taught himself how to swim better. Better than he thinks he can. I'll watch him, and he'll be swimming along, doing just great, and then all of a sudden he loses it somehow and flounders a little, then stands up. I taught him how to use a snorkle so that maybe he would start putting his face in the water, and he has done that well, as well. The shallow water excursion shows pictures of rays and other creatures of the sea, so we hope it is representative of what we really will see. I'm so very proud of him for teaching himself what he has, and being brave enough to try new things. I feel, and hope some of his willingness to try has been because he loves me, and wants to share my joys with me.
On the way back home, we are stopping in Orlando to go to Universal's Islands of Adventure. Actually, we will be going to both parks, but, the important one is Islands, because of the new Harry Potter area, AND because he's been challenged. We aren't roller coaster people. Neither is his son. We have been experimenting gradually with pushing our barf limits ( or maybe at our ages, our heart attack limits). We have always loved Space Mountain at Disney, and now the Rocking Roller Coaster at Hollywood Studios (also Disney). Just in the last year, we have done the Tower of Terror at Hollywood studios....that's not one I thought I would ever do, cuz it's the drops that get to me. Turn me upside down, take me around in a circle, and I'm good. I have nearly passed out on the first hill of some roller coasters. There is this thing called a vagal response....it's why Elvis died when he did, and so many people die in the bathroom.It's probably also why many women died during childbirth. You clamp, bear down, and you pass out because your heart slows its rate and your brain doesn't get enough blood. I learned to scream instead. You can't clamp down when you are screaming. Anyway, Rooster's son rode the Incredible Hulk at Adventures and has challenged his Dad to do the same. And being the good rednecked Rooster that he is, his testosterone level won't let him let his son show him up. His insurance is paid in full and I have let him know that I very likely won't be doing this with him. My level of testosterone has nothing to prove to anybody. People HAVE died on the ride. Heart attacks.
As of today, I have 2 more work days to live through, Rooster has 4 and a half. Then, it's "On the road again...." Can hardly wait. Will let you all know if I come back married, or widowed. If it's the latter, send money, not flowers..........

Mo Betta

Tired? Achey? Quickly deteriorating memory? Libido nonexistant? Gaining weight? Want something other than old age to blame this on? Getcher thyroid levels checked!! I work 12 hour night shifts. 4 nights on, 1 off, 2 on, then I get 7 days off.... mini vacation every 2 weeks. Sweet, right? Yes, very much so, until I found myself not recovering from my work stretch until just 2 days before I went back to work. What a waste!! Especially with summer coming up, and access to a river, 2 pools, RV park with good friends to enjoy my life with. This nonrecovery manifested itself much more dramatically than you would expect with the normal aging process. I was also getting extremely cranky and intolerant, which is not a good thing when you are in charge of a bunch of brand new nurses who are in a delicate self-confidence balance to begin with. I started to get a little scared. My Dad's side of the family has a high Alzheimer's count. One uncle, one aunt diagnosed, and I'm sure my grandfather was afflicted, just not diagnosed. He would go out for a walk and get lost..... My grandmother was diagnosed with ALS, which is a disorder of the nerve cells in the brain and spine, which affects the voluntary movement, and eventually, the involuntary as well. Can't swallow, can't move, and end stage, can't breath on your own. A frightening prison to be in, as your cognitive abilities remain intact for most of this progression. Related? Not sure....but pretty crappy DNA on that side, wouldn't you say? So, when I began to notice that from the recliner to the kitchen ( all of 6 steps), I was forgetting what I got up for, when I got in the shower twice in one week with my glasses on, when I walked out the locked front door without my keys two days in a row, I got scared!!! I began to make a list of all the physical complaints I had accumulated, and went to my doctor. When he walked into the exam room, he stopped short, looked at me and said, "Okay, what disaster brought you in?" Nurses come in 2 types....the ones who go to the doctor with every little twitch, and those who don't go until they are half dead. I fall in the half dead category. I laughed and told him that my list had gotten too long, and handed it to him. Time for colonoscopy, check (argh!), especially since my DNA in that category is also crappy!! Mammo, Pap smear (argh!argh!) check. Follow up chest xray to evaluate the spot they found on the last one that was determined to not be an immediate concern, but follow up was encouraged,check. PFT's to also follow up since 34 years of my life was spent smoking, check. Sinus and allergy diagnostics as my symptoms were increasing in severity, check. Podiatrist for the neuroma I had developed in my right foot, check. Busy girl. Blood drawn that very day...fortunate to have been fasting long enough to count, and to get to the lab before the runner picked up that day. This was on a Friday....Monday I got the call to go pick up my prescription of Levothryroxin, low dose, and to reschedule blood draw and primary MD appt in 2 weeks. Wahoo? Hope!! 2 weeks later, I am feeling better than I have felt in a very long time, I am not in constant achey pain, my memory has improved, I'm not as cranky, and my husband is very cute again!! So easy. Another pill to swallow...yeah, but the benefits are enormous!! You gettin old? Yeah, so what? You don't have to feel or act old if you can get as easy a fix as I did!

Long time gone

Many moons. Have been inspired by a new blogger to come home and start again. Comment from new blogger was that he didn't know how many would be interested in anything he had to say. Don't we all feel that way to some extent? Wait.....no, I take that back, for I DO know people who think what they have to say is the only thing that keeps this ball on it's axis. Sometimes, sad to say, I could very well be one of those. I can get on a rant with the best of us. But, I DO SO love an intelligent, mature give and take of ideas, as long as I am not being bullied by someone who thinks they are the only one who has the answers. What a small world to live in. The world I live in has daily moral conundrums to explore, and the number of solutions to those can equal the stars in the universe, but sometimes seem like "no brainers" with only one, to those of us who live in this world. What we need to remember , is that few see the world we see, few see the results of what we consider to be poor choices that we know, and that many make their decisions out of pure selfishness, whether based in misguided love, or malicious self interest for it's own sake. Living with powerlessness over these situations, can make me , oh,so tired and sad, and I wonder why......why? Is it because people don't believe there is anything beyond this existence? Is greed that deepset in some people's psyche? Is a fear of being alone so terrifying as to be unbearable? I thank the combination of my DNA, my upbringing and my logic that tells me this isn't "all there is". I completely believe there is an existence beyond this life that is more glorious that we can fathom. I believe that the ones I grieve for are there, and will greet me when I make my transformation. I believe that there will be much more for me to learn when I get there, many more ideas for me to explore, and that the answers to all my questions will be there for my understanding. This belief is sometimes the only thing that keeps me plodding along, every day, like the poor working slob I am. It's the thing that keeps me from giving up when things just don't make any sense. I feel incredibly sorry for those who don't have this belief, for what is life without any hope? I thank my parents, my ability to sense what I believe to be true, and daily proof in even the smallest of things to provide me with the hope I need to make this all worth it. I also am grateful for the ability to revel in the beauty, love, gifts and security that I enjoy while I am still here....my blessings are many. Not that anyone would be interested........

Uh......What?

I am supposed to listen to a man who still smokes' ideas on health care reform?