You Gotta Be Kidding.....
'Tis the season. Our patients are more depressed, crazier, short tempered, noncompliant and just generally bigger pains in the butts than usual. So am I, so I'm going to vent. Maybe it will help. Ready? One, two, three, GO!
NO! I'm not going to call the doctor at 3 am to get you an order for a laxative. I don't care right this second that you haven't pooped in 2 days. You'll live until 0700!
Don't bother showing me what you have every time I come into the room. I have been doing this for over 20 years, how special do you think I would think yours is? Is it lime green? Can it sing the national anthem while smoking 5 cigars? Then forget it, I'm not interested!!
You will NOT starve to death! You have been here 4 hours, you weigh 325 pounds, you will survive until breakfast. No I don't have any cookies.
Listing your allergies as Darvocet, Talwin, Toradol, Ultram is a dead givaway. I don't care that they gave you Dilaudid in the ER, that was before they looked at your tox screen and saw your two and a half foot tall stack of old charts. Besides, it was ordered in the ER, it's not ordered here! You're gonna leave? Fine. Don't let the door hit you in the butt . First , sign this AMA sheet for me.
Where were the 15 of you when Granny was lying in her own excrement for two days in the floor? Don't threaten me with a lawsuit if I don't give you her medical info! Want me to spell my name for you? And I don't care if you know Frank Lewis personally! (Guess who Frank Lewis is!)
Oh, YOU are a lawyer? And just how does that apply to my treating your pancreatitis?
Your Adrenal glands hurt? Okay, I'll get right on that.
If you "don't want to be a bother", why have you hit the call bell 8 times in the last hour for no good reason?
The reason I haven't gotten your juice to you within the last 5 minutes is because there is a patient down the hall who is trying to stop breathing. You don't care? Okay, let's see what you think of the rest of your care while you are in the hospital!
Your sister won't tell you anything about Mom's condition? Maybe that's because the last time you visited Mom, you stole her jewelry and pawned it to buy crack! Yeah, go ahead and hit me, there are 6 very large security guards who will be glad to keep track of you for me while we call the cops. No, I can't tell you what you sister won't, there are laws against it.
I just walked in the room for the very first time to meet you, why are you yelling at me?
Do you hawk your loogies on the floor at home?
For the seventh time, you are having a test in the morning that you have to have on an empty stomache, so I can't give you anything to eat and drink after midnight. You don't feel good? You want us to help you feel better? Then let us run these tests to find out what the problem is....NO, I CAN'T GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK!
Excuse me, Doctor, but did talking to me like that help? We have a hospital policy about calling critical lab values. Ok, I'll be glad to wait and call you back when they code!
( you know the difference between a surgeon and God, don't you? God doesn't think he's a surgeon!)
Dr. X ordered that. Ok, I will change it. No, I won't tell Dr. X......that is your job. He is the attending.....yes, I know he shouldn't have consulted you just to change all your orders.....well, I don't know if he is an idiot or not.....HEY!! HOW ABOUT YOU TALKING TO HIM, I'M JUST A LOWLY NURSE HERE! THAT'S WHY YOU GET THE BIG BUCKS!
(And along the same lines....)
No, I don't know why the ultrasound wasn't done today. I got here three hours after that department closed. No, I don't know why the dayshift nurse didn't call you the lab values you asked for, I'm calling them NOW because I saw something that needed to be addressed.Yes, I will be glad to pass that on to the supervisor.
(And...) I'm calling you for pain medicine at 10 oclock at night because the patient asked for it. No, they didn't complain of pain at 8pm, if you would like to have had this handled before 10, maybe you could have written us an order to keep this from happening?
(And this is a true story)....Oh, you run between 0700 and 0800, and are not to be disturbed, ok, I will try to get through to your patient who has just been put on the ventilator to let them know that when you are done with your morning run, you will come see about her.
Laundry? We have 7 patients, 5 of which who are pooping the bed every hour, may I have a wash cloth or two? Well, I expect they used them all during the day. Do we have a quota?
No, you can't have another snack, your blood sugar is 380. Who's Churches Chicken boxes are those?
There is no smoking in the hospital! You weren't smoking? Then what is the cloud coming out of your bathroom?
You haven't had a drink for a couple of days? WOW! Then you must have really been drunk then, to have the smell oozing from your pores still! GOOD JOB!
These next 2 set off alarms in my head that I have learned to listen to.......
You "just don't feel good"? Okay....well....don't pay any attention to the crash cart I have just put outside your door.
You are " just SO tired"? Okay.....well....don't pay any attention to the crash cart I have just put outside your door.
No, I can't let you loose, you have pulled out 5 IV's tonight, and given yourself a prostatectomy by pulling out your foley. Your family won't stay with you, and your doctor won't order drugs to settle you down, you are just going to have to learn to like the blue bracelets I have put on you. Yes, they DO have to be tied to the bed.
Well, we had to replace his IV 5 times last night, he pulled out his foley twice with the balloon still inflated, that's why his urine is bloody, and you and your brothers and sisters all told us there was no one to come and sit with him. No, the doctor wouldn't order anything for him to help him sleep, because of his respiratory status, and that is why he has wrist restraints on.He kept pulling his oxygen off and turning blue. You are going to call your lawyer? Want me to get you a phone book? My name is spelled.....
There is not alot of exaggeration here, and of course much of this is only said in my head, while I am smiling at the patient/doctor/visitor, becasue none of them are worth losing my job over. I DO love my job. And sadly, while my job has alot of these examples every shift, it only takes one little old lady or little old man to reach out and pat my hand and say "You're a good nurse" to make it all worthwhile. The best of all is when you have been there the night before and you come back into the room the next day, they look up, smile and say, "Oh, THERE you are!" and an hour later they are sound asleep when they didn't sleep at all the night before.
We are NOT overpaid waitresses. We get sucked dry on a regular basis, and after a couple of days off, regroup to start again. I can't imagine doing anything else in my life.
NO! I'm not going to call the doctor at 3 am to get you an order for a laxative. I don't care right this second that you haven't pooped in 2 days. You'll live until 0700!
Don't bother showing me what you have every time I come into the room. I have been doing this for over 20 years, how special do you think I would think yours is? Is it lime green? Can it sing the national anthem while smoking 5 cigars? Then forget it, I'm not interested!!
You will NOT starve to death! You have been here 4 hours, you weigh 325 pounds, you will survive until breakfast. No I don't have any cookies.
Listing your allergies as Darvocet, Talwin, Toradol, Ultram is a dead givaway. I don't care that they gave you Dilaudid in the ER, that was before they looked at your tox screen and saw your two and a half foot tall stack of old charts. Besides, it was ordered in the ER, it's not ordered here! You're gonna leave? Fine. Don't let the door hit you in the butt . First , sign this AMA sheet for me.
Where were the 15 of you when Granny was lying in her own excrement for two days in the floor? Don't threaten me with a lawsuit if I don't give you her medical info! Want me to spell my name for you? And I don't care if you know Frank Lewis personally! (Guess who Frank Lewis is!)
Oh, YOU are a lawyer? And just how does that apply to my treating your pancreatitis?
Your Adrenal glands hurt? Okay, I'll get right on that.
If you "don't want to be a bother", why have you hit the call bell 8 times in the last hour for no good reason?
The reason I haven't gotten your juice to you within the last 5 minutes is because there is a patient down the hall who is trying to stop breathing. You don't care? Okay, let's see what you think of the rest of your care while you are in the hospital!
Your sister won't tell you anything about Mom's condition? Maybe that's because the last time you visited Mom, you stole her jewelry and pawned it to buy crack! Yeah, go ahead and hit me, there are 6 very large security guards who will be glad to keep track of you for me while we call the cops. No, I can't tell you what you sister won't, there are laws against it.
I just walked in the room for the very first time to meet you, why are you yelling at me?
Do you hawk your loogies on the floor at home?
For the seventh time, you are having a test in the morning that you have to have on an empty stomache, so I can't give you anything to eat and drink after midnight. You don't feel good? You want us to help you feel better? Then let us run these tests to find out what the problem is....NO, I CAN'T GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK!
Excuse me, Doctor, but did talking to me like that help? We have a hospital policy about calling critical lab values. Ok, I'll be glad to wait and call you back when they code!
( you know the difference between a surgeon and God, don't you? God doesn't think he's a surgeon!)
Dr. X ordered that. Ok, I will change it. No, I won't tell Dr. X......that is your job. He is the attending.....yes, I know he shouldn't have consulted you just to change all your orders.....well, I don't know if he is an idiot or not.....HEY!! HOW ABOUT YOU TALKING TO HIM, I'M JUST A LOWLY NURSE HERE! THAT'S WHY YOU GET THE BIG BUCKS!
(And along the same lines....)
No, I don't know why the ultrasound wasn't done today. I got here three hours after that department closed. No, I don't know why the dayshift nurse didn't call you the lab values you asked for, I'm calling them NOW because I saw something that needed to be addressed.Yes, I will be glad to pass that on to the supervisor.
(And...) I'm calling you for pain medicine at 10 oclock at night because the patient asked for it. No, they didn't complain of pain at 8pm, if you would like to have had this handled before 10, maybe you could have written us an order to keep this from happening?
(And this is a true story)....Oh, you run between 0700 and 0800, and are not to be disturbed, ok, I will try to get through to your patient who has just been put on the ventilator to let them know that when you are done with your morning run, you will come see about her.
Laundry? We have 7 patients, 5 of which who are pooping the bed every hour, may I have a wash cloth or two? Well, I expect they used them all during the day. Do we have a quota?
No, you can't have another snack, your blood sugar is 380. Who's Churches Chicken boxes are those?
There is no smoking in the hospital! You weren't smoking? Then what is the cloud coming out of your bathroom?
You haven't had a drink for a couple of days? WOW! Then you must have really been drunk then, to have the smell oozing from your pores still! GOOD JOB!
These next 2 set off alarms in my head that I have learned to listen to.......
You "just don't feel good"? Okay....well....don't pay any attention to the crash cart I have just put outside your door.
You are " just SO tired"? Okay.....well....don't pay any attention to the crash cart I have just put outside your door.
No, I can't let you loose, you have pulled out 5 IV's tonight, and given yourself a prostatectomy by pulling out your foley. Your family won't stay with you, and your doctor won't order drugs to settle you down, you are just going to have to learn to like the blue bracelets I have put on you. Yes, they DO have to be tied to the bed.
Well, we had to replace his IV 5 times last night, he pulled out his foley twice with the balloon still inflated, that's why his urine is bloody, and you and your brothers and sisters all told us there was no one to come and sit with him. No, the doctor wouldn't order anything for him to help him sleep, because of his respiratory status, and that is why he has wrist restraints on.He kept pulling his oxygen off and turning blue. You are going to call your lawyer? Want me to get you a phone book? My name is spelled.....
There is not alot of exaggeration here, and of course much of this is only said in my head, while I am smiling at the patient/doctor/visitor, becasue none of them are worth losing my job over. I DO love my job. And sadly, while my job has alot of these examples every shift, it only takes one little old lady or little old man to reach out and pat my hand and say "You're a good nurse" to make it all worthwhile. The best of all is when you have been there the night before and you come back into the room the next day, they look up, smile and say, "Oh, THERE you are!" and an hour later they are sound asleep when they didn't sleep at all the night before.
We are NOT overpaid waitresses. We get sucked dry on a regular basis, and after a couple of days off, regroup to start again. I can't imagine doing anything else in my life.
posted by Mommanurse at 2:25 AM
2 Comments:
Laugh out loud stuff, Sis.
Ya gotta see the humor to keep from goin' crazy.
How long didja say you'd been a nurse?
;)~
Some call you MommaNurse
Some just call you 'Sis'
Some may call you "just a nurse"
Some may call you by other names -
justified or not
Some may call and say "Its you job"
Some may just call you by the bell
attached to their bedside
Some may call you in the middle of
the night
Some may call you in their right
minds
Some may not have enough of a mind
left to call you
Some may not not even care enough
to call you
Some may call you to just say Hi!
Although most do not.
Some may call you an Angel
but most of the time,I would call
you The Best of Angels
An Angel of Mercy
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