Book learnin.

As a teenager, I spent a good deal of time with a friend of a friend, as it was a package deal. He was a sweet soul, but I suspect his IQ would have put him in the "dull normal" range, if that.
 We also had a character in the neighborhood that would walk a certain road, all day long. He wore black all year long, even in the summer heat, and looked like Bat Masterson (Google it). I never knew if he had a destination, or purpose, I only know when I saw him, he was walking pretty much the same stretch of road.
 My friend/friend we'll call him Albert, said he had had several conversations with, we'll call him Carl, and that he was a SMART man, professing to have several degrees in this, that , and the other. It would not have taken much to convince Albert of this. He told us that Carl would talk about " crazy stuff" and make "no sense at all". He apparently enjoyed these conversations with Carl, because he would try and repeat the conversations he'd had, and yes, they "made no sense at all". We never knew if they did or not, or if it was a case of something being lost in the translation. After he would regale us with one of his conversations with Carl, he would repeat that Carl had "all these degrees" then thoughtfully pause and say, "you know, that book learnin'll make you crazy!"
  I have to say, I think he might be right. I have been the target of some management techniques that I abhor. Some placed me in the position of losing a battle because of my integrity, some had me defending myself against the accusations of a person who's greatest joy came from reporting a partially understood event as the entire truth. I have been given choices that if I took one road, I would be screwing over someone who I cared about, and who I trusted. If I took the high road, I would be suffering, myself. And the powers that be seemed to think I was unaware that this was the plan, all along. Other choices had me moving on  to prevent further injustices.
 One of the hardest things a new nurse has to learn, is when following the rules is NOT in your patient's best interest. The same is true of a valued, competent employee. I have found that when the chips are down, some people's lack of humanity comes to the surface, but in the majority of cases, best behavior is what you see all around you. Support, loving concern and constant presence are what you know is there for the taking.
 "Political Correctness" has gotten so far out of hand , it is laughable. Just because you change the words in saying something, doesn't change the meaning. Often, changing the wording muddles the understanding, or impact.The psychological evaluation of someone is done without the entirety of their personal data. A conclusion is reached based on this and the bias of how the evaluator thinks that person  might react in any given situation. It's only human for that to happen. It only takes one person to poison the safe, secure feeling you have had in your time of need. I'm not talking about the stupid remark that may be made because a well meaning person just didn't know what to say.
Care must be given to not react to something when that person cannot possibly know how you feel. The depth of your pain, the depth of your despair, the depth of your exhaustion can't be felt, or even imagined by the person who may be placing you between a rock and a hard place. Recognize that past behavior, and past reactions will be expected, no matter how much you feel that "this is different".
 Both sides need to know this , and do what they can to soften the situation. Take the high road. Better to be wrong that way than the other. Show your humanity, and walk away from those who think they have "degrees" that entitle them to label you. Don't make decisions based on what you think a person, or organization will do in any given situation. People are human, and they will most often, take the high road themselves. You teach people how to treat you. Sometimes the choice you make is between what you perceive as the lesser of two evils, but life is like that.
 Never, ever lose sight tho, of those who would fight bears for you. Just don't expect them to fight a whole den, that is too much to ask. Actively forget the slights you feel have been done to you, and move on. Just don't forget the potential for future similar behaviors, and don't leave yourself open to be caught unaware again. "Take care of business", and this will be less likely to happen. But.....fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. If you value me at all, don't fool me, period.
And don't think that what you learned in a book about human nature is more valuable than what you learn about human nature from humans.

Breathe in, breathe out

I am 61 years old. I have had an incredibly diverse set of life experiences, all of which are the pieces of the puzzle that is me. Many traumas, many blessings.
 I'm a pretty tough old bird, I seem to react to trauma situations with the "fight" mode rather than the "flight", but they certainly take their toll. As each trauma occurred, in my head I would think "This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me". Then the next trauma came along, and I would think "No, THIS is the worst thing that has ever happened to me." Now, the worst thing has happened, but it has only happened to ME in a sort of peripheral way.
 My youngest child and I were just hanging out at my house, doing nothing, really, except just being together. I was set to go to work in a couple of hours, and was more or less just chilling out. The front door was open , weather beautiful, springlike. Suddenly, we hear "WHUMP!!!!"I look at the kid, and say, "What was that? That didn't sound good AT ALL!" Kid gets up, goes out on the porch, looks up and down the road, sees nothing, and reports same. About 10 minutes later, he says he needs to get back to his house, about 3 blocks away and do some chores. In less than 5 minutes, I get a  call, "School bus hit a guy on a crotch rocket. It's really bad." I text my DIL (That is the last time you will see it put that way, from here on out she will be referred to as "My Baby". She is my child as much as any I bore.) "We just heard a loud "whump" outside. Kid was here. He went home, said a bus hit a guy on a crotch rocket." This was so she would pass it on to hubby . We all ride, and need moment by moment reminders to never let down our guard. But this time, I sure wish I hadn't done it. I have since had to watch my children go through the most excruciating pain there is , unable to even lessen it in any way. That has been my life's work, and with this, I have no power whatsoever.
 In the next few days, we will be burying my oldest son's and my baby's youngest son. I don't know how they are enduring this, but they are doing what I know Cody would want them to do. It's going to be a very long road for all of us, but we have been comforted by an incredible outpouring of love, support and prayers. We are also comforted by the fact that Cody is an organ/tissue donor. His generosity will save 6-8 lives and improve countless more.
 I have heard many discussions about what a comfort this is, but unless you are in this position yourself, and I pray you never are, there are no words to define the level of comfort it truly is. To know that he is easing an exquisite pain borne by family members counting seconds to see if an organ will be found before their loved one dies, confirms that no matter what else this child did in his life, he ended it as a hero.
 We will go on, surviving from one breath to the next.

Artwork

"The rest of the story".....many of you will remember this, most as an enjoyable way to spend a few minutes and learn to not be so quick to judge what is seen on the surface.
 I pestered my parents for a horse. We had a big back yard, not really big enough for a horse to run, but big enough to move around and graze. My parents, of course, were concerned about my being responsible in caring for that horse. They require a lot of care, and are an expense, as most animals are, without any return other than the pleasure they provide in companionship. I finally got my horse, with the assistance of  Gil, a friend who had lived with us for awhile ( See the blog Hort Dorgs) . I was told he would be teaching me to ride and care for the horse. I was to do the training he taught me, but not to ride unless he was there, until I was good enough to be on my own. Gil came back twice to help me, then was never available from then on. I was only taught how to bridle and saddle the horse, and to lead it around and sort of teach it to "heel" as you would a dog. I don't remember how long we had the horse, but it wasn't very long until I lost interest in a very large yard pet. My Mom brought the horse up years later, saying"and you didn't even ride him!!!" She got very quiet when I related to her the reason. I did not ride him because I was obeying you.
 We had many conversations like this in the nine years she was with us. I heard many stories that were similar from her. Stories that only came out because we had enough time together for the subjects to come up. A lot of hurts, angers and misunderstandings were put to rest because we had a chance to examine them closely and see the logic in each others' reactions to situations. We were also able to do it because the hurts, angers and misunderstandings had not yet reached a point of no return. The damage had not yet become irreparable. We both changed our ways of thinking in many areas because of this. Our changes were not apparent to anyone except those who were around us and knew our previous positions.
  I didn't totally grow up until I was forty. I can be having a conversation with someone who has become a close friend, who thinks I am mostly wonderful, and they will say something about someone like "She's got three kids, all from different Daddies!" or "She's been married twice already, and she's only 26!" I will just smile. Most of these people know enough of my history to become very sheepish when they suddenly realize just who it is they said that to.
 I am trying to learn not to defend myself anymore about my past. It doesn't matter. If you are not willing to learn who I am now and understand the big picture that made me that way, I don't need to expend the energy. I KNOW who I am now, and am still having trouble forgiving myself for some of my behaviors, even though logically, I know I can be forgiven my immaturity and my quick reacting passions. I try to do that with others, especially young people, who, when I look at them, I see myself.
 My husband knows me, my children know me, my friends know me. They love me in spite of my warts. And they don't throw my past up in my face. I could carry around a list of what I perceive as transgressions committed by them . I choose to appreciate them for the joys they bring me. I am a Libra, as long as our relationship tips the scale in the positive, we are golden.
 I don't always make a good first impression, but I promise, as long as you are willing to look at the big picture that frames me, I will grow on you.

Lost and Found

I find myself with a new mission online these days. I had become bored with the computer except to view my e-mails, my facebook, and to do odd chores. Had not gotten online for a very long time to surf. Now, I find myself looking for places to run away from home. It is a fair weather indulgence. I don't want to do this in the cold, wind or rain. I don't want to run away for long. The destination is not what is important. It is truly the journey, here. And I am a bad influence in that I want certain people to run away with me. You need a uniform of sorts, but it doesn't need to match mine. Your mode of transportation can be built to cruise, it can be noisy. Those built for speed are frowned upon, but allowed, as long as you can reign it in.
 Don't expect to ride the interstates, it's not about getting there quickly, it's about seeing what is along the way. This area provides an abundance of that, but I am not limiting myself to what is familiar. I am, in fact, dreaming of just running someday until I am ready to turn around and come home.
 My days of being capable of running away are limited, I am getting older every day. I will do what I can to keep my skills honed, but I know one day, I will have to hang up my gear, for my safety and the safety of others.
 It is a different world, and a fairly new one for me.I cannot imagine ever tiring of it. I can see myself grieving over it's end the way I imagine my Daddy and my brother grieved over their flying days coming to an end. Or an old sailor losing control of the tiller or the wheel.
 It is a family affair as well, something that makes it's value incalculable. In the end , it is all about memories. I want enough glorious ones that the disturbing ones are crowded completely out. I can see that happening......
So, Google, take me away to a place Calgon knows nothing about!